holiday magic

We've re-instituted Thing 1's magnet chart (http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-Deluxe-Magnetic-Responsibility/dp/B000NTZL7U).  We used to fill up all 7 and even 8 spots, but sometimes he would force us to send him to bed without even talking about his day.  It was getting to the point that we were forgetting or not caring.   Clearly it must be too much for him.  So now we've cut back dramatically (4 areas to work on: Share, Show Respect, Keep Your Hands to Yourself, and No Yelling).  He earned all 4 today, and if he can earn all for the next 2 days, he gets to go on our vacation this weekend.  Fingers crossed...

Don't ask what happens if he doesn't earn all 4.  That's not going to happen, right?  I don't think it's wrong if we remind him preemptively.  "I know you want to go to INSERT RESORT NAME HERE with us on Sunday, so mum and dad know you're going to work extra hard to earn your magnets today!"  The big one to me is No Yelling.  No matter how much we tell him, he thinks he's the boss of Thing 2.  Whenever Thing 2 does something Thing 1 doesn't like (colour on his pictures, crumple up papers, steal favourite seat/toy, etc.), that's when he yells.  I'm rootin' for ya buddy!  You can do it!!


Daddy-O

*flush*

For the record, I love my kids.  But really, are there any bigger money-wasters on this planet than kids (ok, after democratic governments)??  Here's that brand new tube of toothpaste you wanted with SpongeBob on it, since you ate all 1/8 of the plate of food we gave you for dinner.  No, just go right ahead and squeeze the whole bottle into the sink.  That looks like fun.  And people wonder why I don't feel bad about pirating movies or music...

OK, my rant is over.  For now.

Mom is all into her newest Connected Parenting buzzwords: Friendship Moves v. Friendship Blocks.  I get what they're about, and I'm all for being on the same page for consistency's sake, but these terms sound so stupid.  I guess it's not the words, it's the message...


Dad

whoops

I found myself losing patience again this evening during Thing 1's bed time routine.  He was stalling, and I was about to give him an earful.  Mom was right there to help me realize it and I was able to press my "reset" button.  Smooth sailing from that point on.  Patience.  Slow down.  I must keep reminding myself: be patient with them.  Rushing leads to anxiety which leads to anger etc. etc.

cheating the system...

Thing 1 continues to cause us some worries.  His bugging behaviour seems to know no bounds, and though he clearly understands consequences, he doesn't seem to really care or want to change his behaviour patterns to fix the situation.

Case in point: we're planning a 2-day family getaway near X-mas.  It's a place they LOVE and cannot wait to go back to.  But due to some recent behaviour at home, Thing 1 has been told he cannot go with us (not sure what we'll do with him if we follow through, but that's another issue altogether).  When told of this, he was visibly upset (tears, whining, etc.).  He was also told that he now has the opportunity to re-earn his place on our trip.  Did any of this stop him from continuing to pester Thing 2 AND Mom & Dad?  Nope.  Both boys went to bed without stories last night, and we're grasping at straws trying to figure out what to do.  He's going to his doctor soon; I think mom's gonna ask for a referral to a counselor or therapist.  Not sure how she's going to be able to discuss this with our doctor with Thing 1 sitting right there with her, but that's coming up next week, so I guess we'll see...

I thought of chalking all this up to the whole sibling rivalry thing, but he bugs mom and dad just as much.  Perhaps he lashes out at us for giving him a little brother?

We (the parents) definitely have to remain consistent and follow through on any rewards or punishments.

Weekdays usually cause less problems than weekends (due to boredom at home, maybe?), so hopefully this week will see him earn the vacation again...


the Dad

4 days since my last post?? really?

Where does the time go?  This week we got a kindergarten "report card" for Thing 1.  He's doing fine, but there's a section on the back where we parents are supposed to put down our child's strengths.  Ask me any day and I can rhyme off 20 things he's super-good at.  Put me in front of a piece of paper to write them down?  *Blank stare*

Ok, he's great at reading, way ahead of where a 5½ year-old normally is, I'm sure.  But how do you put down things like "knows how to use all the remotes in the house better than mom" or "can point out that you moved his picture frame one inch to the left of where it was last week" or "can become completely fixated and focued on the TV when Jake and the Neverland Pirates is on, to the point where he actually cannot hear anything else"?  I kid, I kid.  Like I was any different as a kid, right?  My cousin used to babysit me, and he always says "you were the easiest kid to babysit; I just put you in front of the TV".  That might explain the unhealthy love affair I have with TV.  But hey, this isn't really supposed to be about me...

Back to Thing 1, I guess I'll have to turn his talents listed above to: loves using technology, very observant, and excellent ability to focus and concentrate...

Ciao!


DD

end of another week...

Ahhhhh...  TGIF.  Bath night!  Also, Thing 1 tried some martial arts class tonight, so Thing 2 got a nice quiet evening at home with Dad.  Some fun, some splashing, some good times and asleep by 8.  Then Thing 1 get home and has his own quiet bedtime.  Another fun filled weekend ahead!

Because of my job & commute, I get very little time with my family during the week.  I really look forward to weekends not just for the time off work, but for th echance to watch my boys play and have fun being kids.  Sometimes I think I should have become a teacher...


DD

must resist the urge to raise my voice...

Perhaps it's my own upbringing, but I guess I'm used to the idea of a parent yelling at their child when they need them to do things like get dressed instead of horsing around.  This mentality needs to change.  When I yell, they pick up on it and soon Thing 1 is yelling at Thing 2, or vice versa.

Thank you to my wife for that reminder this morning.  I need to find a better way of remembering rather than being reminded after the fact (when it's too late).

Yesterday's walk home was so nice.  There was no whining from anyone.  Thing 1 was practising his Holiday Concert song.....very LOUDLY.  Hey, that's what outdoor voices are for!


DD

this "Daily Dad" guy sure needs to learn what "daily" means...

OK, so I haven't posted in 4+ days.  Things have been going well.  Thing 1 has been working really hard this week to not be a bug, not play too rough and to be a good listener, but a child's energy known no bounds, and he had to be sent to bed early last night.  He finally earned a special surprise toy (some Cranium game) we had been promising him for a few weeks but he had yet to show his worthiness for.  Great work Thing 1!

On my end, my wife has noted my own improved patience and calm demeanour this week.  I finally told her about this blog too....and she seemed relatively receptive!  Maybe she'll start following this blog and I'll finally break that ice...wishful thinking, perhaps.  I am very happy about this progress, and for now I'm going to give full credit to this blog.  Keeping this record of successes or failures seems to be helping me keep things in perspective.

Any dads looking for a good parenting read should check out "Ain't Misbehavin'" by Alyson Schafer.  Not done it yet, but there are some really helpful hints, tools and strategies for dealing with any number of common parenting issues that we all encounter at one time or another.  Next up on the reading list: "Connected Parenting" by Jennifer Kolari...


semi-DD

forgot to post yesterday

Yesterday was the one day of the week that I have to pick up the boys from school.  This is sometimes a challenge because of the following:

• We have to walk home (maybe the equivalent of 3 or 4 blocks), and Thing 1 always has a complaint about that.
• Thing 1 is also very particular about being "in front".  If dad or Thing 2 try to pass him, he gets quite upset.

BUT, yesterday was mom's birthday and I had bought some cupcakes for us to celebrate with, so the possibility of losing their cupcake privilege ensured good behaviour on the walk home.  We all made it home in peace and began preparing for mom's arrival; drawing her pictures and practising our songs to sing for her bday (we don't just stick to the standard HBD song).

Well, it was a total success.  Mom loved her gifts, pictures, cards, story* and songs.  Topped off by cupcakes so messy that baths were required.  Happy Birthday Mom!!

*Thing 1 has a lot of pent up energy when he's at home.  It sometimes leads to acting wild and possibly hurting someone (like Thing 2).  One of the strategies we're trying is to direct his energy toward more creative and constructive activities, like going for family walks or what we did for mom's birthday: I gave him an idea for a story (it's about a birthday party), and he made up the story while I wrote it down for him.  I helped him with some of the story's logistics, but he basically did the whole thing by himself.  We're so amazed by him, and I could tell he was really proud of it...

great conversation...

Me: OK buddy, one more minute till bedtime!
Thing 2: No!
Me: Yes, I'm afraid so...
Thing 2: No, I wanna stay (in the basement and play)!
Me: No honey, you can't stay down here it has to be bedtime.  I'll give you 2 minutes.
Thing 2: Noooooo.
Me: OK buddy, how many minutes would you like?
Thing 2: 10.
Me: (pause) OK.

I've got a lawyer on my hands already.  He's 3....


DD

I should be posting even when things are going smoothly

Sunday was good day.  We had a birthday party at a local McDonalds.  I don't think I've been to a birthday party at McDonalds since I was 7....and it was my own.  Awesome.  Thing 1 & Thing 2 were as well-behaved as a bunch of pancake-and-cake-stuffed kids can be while climbing through a bunch of stairs and slides.  I was pretty good at staying calm all day, although I didn't have any reason to get mad at anyone.  Thing 1 did end up being sent to bed without his usual routine, which is usually 2 stories, we sing a song together (real or made up), and we ask each other 2 questions.  Last night he didn't get that, he was playing too rough with Thing 2 in the basement, so mom sent him upstairs to bed.

We do have a lot of rules in our house - no hitting, kicking, pushing, yelling, etc.  Standard fare, I suppose, but sometimes I wonder if it's too much for them to process.  And then Thing 1 will say something like, "Hey, it's 9:45!  That's like 549 (on Bell TV) Disney Junior backwards!"  They're too f**king smart and they remember everything.  This morning I even got hugged first (before mom!!) when we dropped them off at school.  They never cease to amaze me....

Sunday

Tomorrow we're taking the boys to a friend's birthday party.  I love these parties and watching the kids go all crazy.  I plan to observe my wife as well as other parents there to see if I can learn anything.  I will try (repeat, TRY) to listen more to Thing 1 & Thing 2.  Hopefully, when it's time for me to talk, they will listen to what I have to say...

The first day of the rest of your life...

For reasons I can't quite explain, I'm taking to the interweb and undertaking this anonymous blog in an effort to be a better dad.  I've always thought of myself as a good dad, but lately it's becoming apparent that I am failing in my role as the biggest influence in my two sons' lives.

For a bit of background, I'm a married father of 2 delicious boys, aged 5½ & 3.  For security reasons, let's just refer to them from now on as Thing 1 (the elder) and Thing 2 (the younger).  Thing 1 is in SK 2 or 3 days a week, while Thing 2 is in daycare full time.  I myself am approaching 40 and work your average, financial district, 9-to-5 job in Toronto and like most parents, commute home to the 'burbs just in time to miss dinner.

My wife and I have been together for about 10 years and married for 7.  We've had our ups and downs, but lately I've been feeling that if I don't right my ship, this could all end badly, and she has said so.  She believes I have anger management issues, and though I would never hit my children, I know I can get angry.  I yell.  Because of that, they yell.  And these little guys (mostly Thing 1, but I'll get to that) really know how to push buttons, and some days I just think to myself, "this kid needs a smack in the head".  Let's face it, so do I sometimes.  So do a lot of people.  But of course, you can't hit (your) kids.  And I really don't want to be that parent.  I don't want to be yelling at my kids, in public, at home, wherever.  This is definitely NOT my parents' generation.  We grew up in a very "children should be seen and not heard" era, and that is not the case today.  Growing up, my family dynamic was fighting and yelling, and I think that's where I must get it from, though I claim to have distanced myself from that upbringing.  Clearly that's not the case.

Our family dynamic now is one of split responsibilities.  My wife and I both work full-time.  Mom basically handles everything: drop-off/pick-up the kids (luckily, she can work out of the home most days), doctor's appointments, programs/sports, dinner on weeknights (my job keeps me away a little longer and so I usually miss dinner) and a hundred million other things I can't quite think of right now.  I do all the heavy lifting.  Since her dad died when we were dating, sleep has been an issue for her.  She falls asleep in 7 seconds every night but wakes up at 2 or 3 and is up for the remainder of the night.  Because of this, I give her every opportunity to get away and have her down time.  When I get home every evening, she's "off duty" and I'm responsible for getting the boys to bed.  I'll get up with the boys on weekend mornings so she can try to sleep in.  Thing 2 still naps on weekends, so I often take Thing 1 out with me to let her catch up on some Zs as well.  This arrangement works great most of the time.  And then, there are those other days....

I know there are things that I need to work on in order to improve myself as a dad and elsewhere:

1. The Plan
I can be lazy at times (okay, understatement maybe), and very laissez-faire about some things.  I'm not the most ambitious of guys, and it frustrates my wife to no end that I'm so happy in the here-and-now, being status quo, and not thinking very far into the future.  It scares me a little to think about the future.  But I have to start thinking ahead more.  Where do I want to be in five years?  What will my career look like, what do I envision for my kids in the coming years?  What school will they go to, what sports or other interests will they have?  If I don't start thinking ahead, I won't even be in this picture...

2. Homer Smash!!
I mentioned the anger thing earlier.  I could never be a Jedi, I'll tell you that.  "The boy has no patience."  My wife wants me to get therapy.  I personally don't want to go this route, although we once went to some counselling together and we did find it to be helpful.  I guess one thing I should say is that I'm cheap.  I'm hoping that if I can keep on myself to post something here every day, this will serve as the daily reminder I need to slow down, let go of my anger, and enjoy my family.

3. Nachos, Flanders-style
I also like to compare myself to Sheldon Cooper a lot these days; I may have a genius IQ but I'm no Marvin Einstein when it comes to raising kids.  I might very well be OCD.  I must admit I like things to be a certain way, and I have these visions of what people SHOULD be doing instead of accepting that they do what they do and I can't change that.  I feel like I should be able to control some of those things, however.  Like in my own house?  But no.  I need to be able to let go of my preconceived notions of how things should be and not try to control everything.  Who am I to say that a club sandwich MUST be a triple decker in order to be labeled a club sandwich?

4. Anxiety
When I get home from work, I often don't realize the disruption I cause until it's too late.  They're usually finished dinner and relaxing in fron to fthe TV.  I come home and chaos erupts.  Things 2 runs to the door, "Daddeeeeeee!!"  I come inside and some days I can't do anything else because the sink is full of dirty dishes.  Why is it that I can't stand a sink full of dirty dishes?  For some reason, I can't leave it alone for even 1 hour until the bedtime routine is over.  I know this is bad.  My job as dad is supposed to start within 5-10 minutes of getting home; I need time to put my bag away, get changed and attempt to unwind before taking over for mom.  If I'm stressed out or anxious from a day of work and don't leave that at the office, it's going to rub off on the kids and create a bad environment for one and all.

I think if I work on these 4 things and can force myself to post my thoughts and feelings here regularly, it will help me accomplish the goal I've set out: to be a better dad.

P.S. My wife will hate this whole idea.  She really hates the internet, Facebook in particular.  She talks about taking down her profile, but I'll believe it when I see it.  As anonymous and secure as I will try to make these postings (no one is even subscribing yet obviously), she'll fear that someone will figure out who I am and our private life will be out there for all to see.  She worries about predators looking at our photo albums, and identity theft and stuff that most people don't worry about until it happens to them.  I can't live that way.  I try to inform myself about the security features that prevent these things, and try to trust that these technologies work.  I love the internet.  Everything, not just the porn.  Google Maps, Wikipedia, torrents (oops, did I say that out loud?), and the list goes on.  I just feel comfortable online.  I like to feel connected, for whatever that means.  It's for these reasons that this blogging project makes sense for me.