For reasons I can't quite explain, I'm taking to the interweb and undertaking this anonymous blog in an effort to be a better dad. I've always thought of myself as a good dad, but lately it's becoming apparent that I am failing in my role as the biggest influence in my two sons' lives.
For a bit of background, I'm a married father of 2 delicious boys, aged 5½ & 3. For security reasons, let's just refer to them from now on as Thing 1 (the elder) and Thing 2 (the younger). Thing 1 is in SK 2 or 3 days a week, while Thing 2 is in daycare full time. I myself am approaching 40 and work your average, financial district, 9-to-5 job in Toronto and like most parents, commute home to the 'burbs just in time to miss dinner.
My wife and I have been together for about 10 years and married for 7. We've had our ups and downs, but lately I've been feeling that if I don't right my ship, this could all end badly, and she has said so. She believes I have anger management issues, and though I would never hit my children, I know I can get angry. I yell. Because of that, they yell. And these little guys (mostly Thing 1, but I'll get to that) really know how to push buttons, and some days I just think to myself, "this kid needs a smack in the head". Let's face it, so do I sometimes. So do a lot of people. But of course, you can't hit (your) kids. And I really don't want to be that parent. I don't want to be yelling at my kids, in public, at home, wherever. This is definitely NOT my parents' generation. We grew up in a very "children should be seen and not heard" era, and that is not the case today. Growing up, my family dynamic was fighting and yelling, and I think that's where I must get it from, though I claim to have distanced myself from that upbringing. Clearly that's not the case.
Our family dynamic now is one of split responsibilities. My wife and I both work full-time. Mom basically handles everything: drop-off/pick-up the kids (luckily, she can work out of the home most days), doctor's appointments, programs/sports, dinner on weeknights (my job keeps me away a little longer and so I usually miss dinner) and a hundred million other things I can't quite think of right now. I do all the heavy lifting. Since her dad died when we were dating, sleep has been an issue for her. She falls asleep in 7 seconds every night but wakes up at 2 or 3 and is up for the remainder of the night. Because of this, I give her every opportunity to get away and have her down time. When I get home every evening, she's "off duty" and I'm responsible for getting the boys to bed. I'll get up with the boys on weekend mornings so she can try to sleep in. Thing 2 still naps on weekends, so I often take Thing 1 out with me to let her catch up on some Zs as well. This arrangement works great most of the time. And then, there are those other days....
I know there are things that I need to work on in order to improve myself as a dad and elsewhere:
1. The Plan
I can be lazy at times (okay, understatement maybe), and very laissez-faire about some things. I'm not the most ambitious of guys, and it frustrates my wife to no end that I'm so happy in the here-and-now, being status quo, and not thinking very far into the future. It scares me a little to think about the future. But I have to start thinking ahead more. Where do I want to be in five years? What will my career look like, what do I envision for my kids in the coming years? What school will they go to, what sports or other interests will they have? If I don't start thinking ahead, I won't even be in this picture...
2. Homer Smash!!
I mentioned the anger thing earlier. I could never be a Jedi, I'll tell you that. "The boy has no patience." My wife wants me to get therapy. I personally don't want to go this route, although we once went to some counselling together and we did find it to be helpful. I guess one thing I should say is that I'm cheap. I'm hoping that if I can keep on myself to post something here every day, this will serve as the daily reminder I need to slow down, let go of my anger, and enjoy my family.
3. Nachos, Flanders-style
I also like to compare myself to Sheldon Cooper a lot these days; I may have a genius IQ but I'm no Marvin Einstein when it comes to raising kids. I might very well be OCD. I must admit I like things to be a certain way, and I have these visions of what people SHOULD be doing instead of accepting that they do what they do and I can't change that. I feel like I should be able to control some of those things, however. Like in my own house? But no. I need to be able to let go of my preconceived notions of how things should be and not try to control everything. Who am I to say that a club sandwich MUST be a triple decker in order to be labeled a club sandwich?
4. Anxiety
When I get home from work, I often don't realize the disruption I cause until it's too late. They're usually finished dinner and relaxing in fron to fthe TV. I come home and chaos erupts. Things 2 runs to the door, "Daddeeeeeee!!" I come inside and some days I can't do anything else because the sink is full of dirty dishes. Why is it that I can't stand a sink full of dirty dishes? For some reason, I can't leave it alone for even 1 hour until the bedtime routine is over. I know this is bad. My job as dad is supposed to start within 5-10 minutes of getting home; I need time to put my bag away, get changed and attempt to unwind before taking over for mom. If I'm stressed out or anxious from a day of work and don't leave that at the office, it's going to rub off on the kids and create a bad environment for one and all.
I think if I work on these 4 things and can force myself to post my thoughts and feelings here regularly, it will help me accomplish the goal I've set out: to be a better dad.
P.S. My wife will hate this whole idea. She really hates the internet, Facebook in particular. She talks about taking down her profile, but I'll believe it when I see it. As anonymous and secure as I will try to make these postings (no one is even subscribing yet obviously), she'll fear that someone will figure out who I am and our private life will be out there for all to see. She worries about predators looking at our photo albums, and identity theft and stuff that most people don't worry about until it happens to them. I can't live that way. I try to inform myself about the security features that prevent these things, and try to trust that these technologies work. I love the internet. Everything, not just the porn. Google Maps, Wikipedia, torrents (oops, did I say that out loud?), and the list goes on. I just feel comfortable online. I like to feel connected, for whatever that means. It's for these reasons that this blogging project makes sense for me.
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